I laugh at all his jokes

As I shared in my earlier post, about 18 years ago… my marriage was limping along to say the least. I was out of patience and short on ideas for fixing it.  I can’t even express how frustrated I was with…..Barry. Just to be clear… I was not at all frustrated with myself, because it was ….ALL HIS FAULT!   I had  taken the “D” word out of my vocabulary but I was seriously considering buying a Thesaurus. On one particularly bad opposite-of-a-honeymoon day,  I was beyond crying out to God and at  this point and was just yelling at Him  “GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!”.   I was searching the Word for some biblical grounds to go, but there was simply no relief there.  As much as I hated to admit it,  God was definitely saying “STAY”.    I was sooo exhausted…wrestling with God takes a lot out of you. Finally,  with my hands up, partially in worship,  partially because I was actually giving up,  I finally honestly asked God for help and meant it.    Previously I was asking God to fix Barry or let me out of the marriage.  Now I was surrendering to whatever God wanted to show me….even about me.  I finally said “Lord, my life is either yours or it isn’t, so do with it what you will….I’m  even willing to bare the cross of staying married.  If I’m meant to minster to Barry for the rest of my life then I’ll work at it as unto the Lord.  Change me, grow me, make me into the person you’d have me be.  If it’s only 10% my fault then show me my fault”  So often when I’m going through a challenge,  I ask, even beg God for help.  What I’m  really asking for however  is  God’s help in a situation to make it turn out the way I want it to.  I don’t/didn’t  really purpose to find out what pleases the Lord and then line my heart and will up to God’s heart and will for that situation.   I was out of God’s will in many of my attitudes and actions toward my husband.  God was telling me to:  1) focus on fixing myself and let him fix Barry  and 2) use the tools already given me in His word. I had been willing to use  these relationship tools in friendships and business relationships, just not in my own marriage.  Crazy huh?

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